Warning: sexually explicit material is contained in this post. Vulgar language is also used. If you do not like cursing or suggestive language, then please go here. You’ll be much happier in the end.
Initial post here.
This is potentially a book review. I think. But also be warned: If you plan on reading this book when it comes out in English then you might want to steer away from this post. I’ve taken the liberty of my own English translation of some of the text. But don’t worry, I won’t reveal everything. I’m not sure if this is legal either – so please, no one send me money for this.
Ironically or not, the cover of the book is pink and includes the raised image of a bandage. Underneath the bandage is the title in a dot-matrix Teutonic kind of font. Every time I picked up the book while reading it I thought there used to be only one application of the color pink that I do not hate. Luckily this book deals with that one thing whole heartily.
As noted in in my previous post, this book has received a lot of attention. As of March, 2008, it has sold more than 500k copies. At one point it was even number one on Amazon.com. That might not sound thrilling but when you consider that it reached the top of the list while published in German… Well, that’s something. Again, let me make sure that got across so that other (worst)writers and (worst)readers get it. This book reached the top selling list while printed in German on the “.com” and not the “.de” of Amazon. As a wannabe struggling writer who writes in English but lives in Germany… Holy shit! I’m the one who needs a bandage.
With that in mind, my hat is off and I bow deeply to Charlotte Roche. Say what you want about this book – it’s either bad-mouth pornography or it’s new-fangled erotic literature – but Roche did a pretty good job writing it. One of the basic criteria I have for good writing is when an author makes me think. I don’t care about grammar, structure or formula. Writing should be solely about creativity and passion. This book has a lot of both – if you can get through the smut. That’s the only criticism I have of the book. There’s simply too much smut and other nonsense which takes away from getting any protagonist message across. But I’ll leave it at that – because I’m not a critic.
The heroine of the book is Helen. She’s 18 and somewhat perturbed. I think. Here’s how she opens the story (Tommi translation):
“As far as family goes, taking care of the elderly means a lot to me. Just like any other child with divorced parents, I wish my parents would get back together. When my parents require elderly care the first thing I’m gonna do is put their new partners in a nursing home. Then I’m gonna take my divorced parents home, put them in the same bed, and take care of them till they die. It will be a moment of happiness for me. So all I have to do is wait patiently. I have the situation under control.”
After that all you get is more than two hundred big-fonted pages of hemorrhoids, vaginal fluids, one-afternoon-stands, and a few lines of girly-wisdom that perhaps this media driven world could put to use. Oh, there’s also the underlying emotional pain of a young woman and her having to finally grow up. If you can get past the nonsense of a young girl’s obsession with herself – in the form of consuming, utilizing and sharing every fluid or particle that the female body makes – then you will get to the soul of a person whose feelings are so hurt that an/her anus (kinda) explodes. Helen tells the story from the hospital bed where she has to have an operation on an/her anus. It seems, as part of her girl-body obsession, she cut her anus while shaving. Yeah, right.
While reading Feuchtgebiete I kept thinking of two things. One was how they are going to translate the title. Thus far I’ve seen articles using “Wetlands”. I don’t think that works at all. My preference would be “Girl Things Wet”. Luckily I’m no translator. The second thing I kept thinking about were the cheap paperback porn books that I read when I was young. (Seriously. I only read the stuff.) You know, the books where IT was called jism/jizm and the word fuck somehow never reminded one of “fuck you, asshole”. Am I the only male born after 1960 to have read “A Man With A Maid” written by Anonymous? (Please, don’t make fun of the books I’ve read.) The only thing that really bugged the do-dads out of me while reading Roche’s book was the amount of (for lack of better terminology) descriptors that eventually leads to the strangest kind of wisdom. Here some of Roche’s/Helen’s wisdom (Tommi translation):
“It’s only a fantasy if you get horny thinking about it.”
“Once I did a coffee peepee test. My father taught me this. When you get up in the morning you have to pee because your bladder collects everything overnight. Once you’ve emptied yourself in the morning you’d think that all the pee was out of your body. Then when you drink a cup of coffee your body is so poisoned that it collects more water in order to clean everything out. As soon as you finish your coffee you pee more fluid then the coffee you actually drank. I’ve proved it, I used a coffee cup one morning and it overflowed with pee. I proved my father correct that coffee dehydrates. My mother wasn’t happy at all because she doesn’t think urine should be in a coffee cup.”
(After claiming that tampons are a waste of money): “The other half I fold long-ways till I have a long thin clothe. Then I roll it in small, tight stages till it becomes the shape of a thick wurst and then shove into my pussy as high as it’ll go. How’s that! American tampon industry.”
Dear (worst)reader/writer, I’m sorry, but the following I can’t (won’t) translate, because, well, I don’t even know what the fuck it means – but it sounds kind of cool in a German sorta way: “Trauerwettstreit gewonnen durch vergezogene Trauerarbeit.”
(Helen speaking to herself): “Don’t be disappointed. The next self-fuck will be better, Helen, I promise.”
After eating a bugar: “There’s nothing on my body that my fingers can leave alone.”
About boys: “For a boys eighteenth birthday their parents always invite them to a local whorehouse.”
Sex while menstruating: “A good pirate sticks it in the red sea.”
Beyond all the wisdom there’s a bunch of interesting German words that Roche uses in her cute little novel. I know this might sound strange – especially for those who think the German language is more like barking – or am I the only one that thinks that? Anywho. German can be a fun language when it comes to putting words together to say something specific. Here a few examples with rough Tommi translations:
- Fickverabredung = fuck + appointment.
- Käsebaby = cheese + baby; I have no idea what this word was/is supposed to mean; yeah, author, entangle me.
- Rübbelkönigin = something about rubbing her pussy and being the queen (the best?) at having an orgasm while doing it.
- Körperausscheidungsrecyclerin = body + expulsion + recycling.
- Muschirosapink = the color of a black woman’s vagina.
- Blutschwesternschaft = blood-sisters; the ceremonial sharing of menstrual blood. But! It’s more something like the American Indian “blood brothers” thing. I guess.
- Fickurheber = fuck + initiator; Helen cuts a hole in her panties when she’s on a date with someone she wants to fuck, that way, when petting gets going, the guy is surprised but gets the message that she wants to fuck without having to go through all the rigmarole of a date. (Where were these chicks when I was young?)
- Rasurhindernisparcours = razor + obstacle + horse-show-jumping-course; the name she gives the rim of her anus as someone is shaving her/it.
- Sexandenkenkaubonbon = sex + souvenir + chewable candy; she’s describing the stuff that’s left over after sex and what she does with it.
Last but not least, here are three words that Helen gives to the most precious of her female parts. I’ll leave translation up to your imagination or your ability to research. Seriously, I’m tired of all this nasty stuff.
- Vanillekipferln
- Hahnenkämme
- Perlenrüssel
Although the writing is at times very trying – especially for someone who ONLY read porn when it was innocent, this is a fun read and has a creative, if not profound, ending.
Rant on.
-tgs-
June 25, 2008 at 12:46 pm |
I have just finished reading the book in German as well and am about the write something about it on my own blog.
At first I was very enthusiastic: a woman who writes so open and honestly about sex, about the female body, and in a funny way; very refreshing. The style reminded me a bit of some books by Dutch male authors from the sixties. The ending was in my opinion very weak, like the author had no clue how to finish it anymore and just wrote something to get it over with.
I do hope Roche will write another book. Hopefully with more openess and naughtiness, but with a stronger ending. We need more female authors to tell the world we girls are dirty and horny as well :)